He'd said his goodbyes to Jenny in the Archives, hoping that was all he'd need to do. After what had gone down in the Knox house, he figured the rest of Team Apocalypse would be glad he was skipping town for a while. And maybe it was cowardly for him to slip out without saying any goodbyes. But 'I'm sorry' were never words that came easy for him and in this case, they fell so far short after what he'd done. He knew Jenny would pass on the news he was gone and that was that.
He was just finishing up at the dock, making sure his boat was safely tucked away in dry dock for now and grabbing the last of his belongings out of it. It was enough to fill a duffel, carelessly slung over one shoulder as he headed back out to his pickup truck in the parking lot, dressed in faded jeans and an old band tshirt, a plaid shirt draped loosely and unbuttoned over top. His boots kicked up puffs of dust in the gravel underfoot as he rifled in his pockets for his keys and his phone, completely missing the slim figure leaning against the door to his truck until it was far too late.
She stays put right where she is, arms folded and ankles crossed as she lets her back rest against the drivers' side door. He'd have had to go through her in order to get anywhere, unless he was feeling athletic, but she has a feeling he'll give her at least a minute or two of his time before he takes off. After all that's been said and done, he owes her that much.
"Jenny gave me the heads up, told me you were looking to skip town. Can't say I don't understand your reasoning, but I'm a little hurt." She raises one eyebrow at him, her expression blank, as professional as she can manage. "Weren't gonna say goodbye to the rest of us? Thought we were friends, Hawley. Pretty sure you were there when I bought that that first round of beers at karaoke."
He stops short, spotting her too late, mere moments before she opened her mouth and he has a moment of standing there stunned and wondering if this is the part where he's supposed to drop to his knees and put his hands over his head. Not that he suspected her the sort, but he wouldn't blame her either way. He had nearly gotten her killed.
"Surprisingly enough, it gets better gas mileage," he replies mildly, because of course that was the important part of what she'd said to him.
He lifts a hand, rakes fingers through his hair as he grimaces a moment, looking uncomfortable and very much caught red-handed. "I figured if Jenny handled the farewells, we'd miss any of these awkward goodbyes. In case she forgot to mention that part, I kinda suck at those." Truth, that. They tended to happen with a great deal of finality or not at all.
"Plus, I wasn't sure if I could expect a chainmail gauntlet to the face or some shit when Crane calls me out for a duel at dawn. I happen to like breathing."
"That, and it's not as flashy as the Mustang." She almost makes a smart remark about how he could have at least left one of them with the Mustang for their troubles, but it dies in her mouth. After the twenty-four hours she's had, she doesn't feel a whole lot like joking, despite knowing that with Hawley, that's about all she's likely to get.
She pushes away from the car and takes two measured steps forward, one hand coming to rest against her hip. No threat of violence, no flash of handcuffs. This is personal, not business-- or as personal as she ever allows things to get.
"She told me you'd already be gone, but I thought I'd try my luck." See if she could catch him doubling back to the docks before he left. She was glad he did, glad they had the chance to talk. "If Crane didn't want you breathing, we wouldn't have worked so damn hard to save you. Could have saved ourselves a whole lot of trouble and turned the other way. That's not how I remember things going down. What about you?"
They might have been frustrated, pissed, but considering the circumstances, Abbie wasn't sure that could last. The situation had been more complicated than anyone who hadn't taken the time to know Hawley might have given it credit for, but she's pretty damn sure she knows the truth of it.
"I don't know," he answers, his tone dragging the words out, almost wheedling, as he squints up at the sun for a moment. It's setting. He hadn't realized it had already gotten so late. He'd meant to be on the road hours ago. Shoulda have been. He hadn't realized that maybe he'd been dragging his feet all along for just this reason. Stupid of him.
"Last night's still awfully fuzzy. Think they'd believe me if I decided I wanted to press charges on a Hindu demon who tried to date-rape me?"
"We see some pretty unbelievable things in this town. I guarantee you the local cops have heard worse," she says evenly; it's as much as she'll give him, indulging the joke, though it was true enough. Reports of a headless horseman earlier in the year had gotten the cops in question labelled as crazy, spurred them to pull their reports. When crazy things happened around here, you learned not to mention it-- keep it confined to the right people-- but yeah, the authorities had heard worse. Primarily from her.
"I agree that she can't be left out there on the loose, and dealing with it's going to be a personal matter, but it shouldn't be like this." It shouldn't have involved him leaving without so much as saying goodbye, even if that's exactly what he had a reputation for. "You're part of a team here, Hawley, whether you like it or not. You can't run off on your own. You know we could help you."
"Look, Mills, I appreciate the offer, but if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm not very much of a team player." Which was an understatement. Even if it was often by necessity. It was safer that way. Uncomplicated. Usually just the way he liked it. "Besides, your team already has its hands full trying to stop Revelations from happening, last time I checked. Which I can appreciate, that's some important responsibility right there, more power to you. This is personal. I can handle it."
Actually he was pretty sure he was lying through his teeth right then. he felt more than a little out of his league when it came to dealing with actual monsters. And the fact that this one now wore Carmilla's face - because that was how he had to think about this now - didn't make any of this any easier. He doesn't know if she can be cured and doubts she wants to be, but the only other alternative is killing her. Another thing he's not entirely certain he's capable of.
"Right. You can handle it. Same way you handled it last night."
Which was to say not at all. The con had let himself be conned, something Abbie had been worried about from the start-- the second Jenny recognized Pines' name, the second she rattled off her reputation, they'd both known that they were looking at serious trouble. Trouble that has almost cost the both of them a good friend.
"Let's face it, Hawley." She takes another step forward, the distance between them narrowing as she folds her arms across her chest, and even despite the severe difference in their heights she manages to come off as authoritative, self-possessed. She'd never allowed her small stature to keep her from being a presence when she needed to be. "If we hadn't intervened when we had last night, you'd have been vetala food."
Or, more accurately, a vetala by now.
"You run off half-cocked now, that's exactly what's going to happen. It's too personal." Which meant Carmilla could blindside him all over again if she wanted to, even if he thought he knew better now.
It's a struggle not to step back when she advances, retreat to keep a safe distance, but he has a feeling she's watching for that and she's stubborn - both she and her sister are, it's something he admires immensely in both of them. Except when it's being aimed at him.
"Maybe," he agrees, and if the word's reluctant, it's because he can't find it in him to try and deny her claim outright. "But that doesn't mean I'm not the one who has to deal with it. Last night was my fault, Mills. I made a mess. I've got to clean it up. And it's a mess I should have cleaned up a long time ago, I guess. It should have never been left to come to this."
He's still not sure what he could have done differently. Hidden better, maybe. Maybe not been so damned gullible when it came to the woman who'd raised him. Even after all he'd seen from her... He'd sill wanted to believe her when sh'd said she'd needed his help. That he could help.
He wasn't going to be that naive again.
He looks away, his gaze skimming across the horizon as a frown tugs at his lips. He's not avoiding meeting her gaze, he's not, he's just checking the time. "And I think we all saw from the way I handled things last night that y'all are probably better off without my assistance, right? Jenny knows my contacts, where you can get supplies. She knows how to negotiate almost as well as I do. And she has my number if you really get yourselves in a bind."
"And what would you have done back then, huh?" She challenges him, because she has to, because she and Jenny hadn't known the details but they'd known enough to put the pieces together. Carmilla being a bonifide monster was new; whatever it was that Hawley thought he could have stopped all those years ago, it wasn't the same as it had been the other night. There was no clear course of action, not that a kid his age could have taken-- because he had to have been a kid.
"I don't doubt Jenny can do the job just fine." Abbie Mills was of the opinion that her sister could do anything she set her mind to, something she'd proven over and over again since their reconciling, but this wasn't about who could do the job. "If you're running even a little bit because you think last night was some unforgivable screw-up, then I have to tell you you're wrong."
Yeah, things had gone badly. They also could have gone a lot worse.
"I don't envy the position you were put in last night. Fact is, your friend could have killed us. Nearly did. You stopped her." Even if it had meant pointing a gun at Crane. "Maybe to the casual observer, it didn't look like you were helping us-- but I'd like to believe you were."
His objection to his words is sharp and abrupt, his own stubborn temper sparking as he scowls at her and for a moment there's a hint of wildness in his eyes, frustration evident. They'd been in dangerous spots before - hell, between all the weird shit that went down in this town lately it was almost a given. But this time was different. This time it wasn't some demon here to try to end the world. This was his history raising its ugly head in a call that had been way too close for his comfort. There was a reason he kept people at a distance and last night had been an abrupt wake-up call of how badly things could go when he forgot that.
"You, and Crane, and Jenny." He stressed that reminder just in case she'd forgotten. Which he didn't think she had - she'd been there, after all. Caught by a Vetala and acid claws held at her throat, a breath away from death if he hadn't... if he hadn't...
He almost hadn't.
Offering up his own life in service in exchange scared the shit out of him, to be honest. Especially when he'd seen so damned fast that he'd been right to be wary of Carmilla, when she'd almost turned him into a monster like her. He'd stood there and stared at the pair of them and had to deal with the understanding that he was going to have to weigh himself into the balance if he wanted to save her. He, Nick Hawley, the guy only out for himself. The one who didn't let himself make connections because he could't afford vulnerabilities. And yet there he'd been, handing himself over to the woman he'd spent half his life hiding from.
For Crane. For Jenny. For Abbie.
In the aftermath of that of realization, he was left almost as scared shitless about what that meant as he was by the thought of being back in Carmilla's grasp again.
Which is why he's on the defensive. And running. Because that's what he does when people get too close. It's safer for everyone that way. And he's got every single one of his walls back up in place as he scowls at her, finding it hard to believe she's here arguing for this at all. He's not the sort of person who inspires people to believe the best in him.
She manages to stay calm, her tone careful, even. As frustrated as he is, she can't let herself rise to take the bait, can't turn this into a fight. The moment people start yelling, they stop listening, and she can't afford that. None of them can, Hawley included. They're short on allies these days, short on friends, and she's not sure she's willing to let another one walk away.
Too many casualties already, and if Hawley ran off without them, he was a dead man, plain and simple. She couldn't see it any other way.
"I didn't forget. It's the kind of thing that sticks with you. You know what else you did?" she goes on, raising an eyebrow as she does her best to levy the situation with what she wants to believe is the truth, hopes isn't just blind optimism. "Everything you could to make sure everyone walked out of that room alive. You didn't tell us to follow you to Knox's place, Hawley. We did it on our own because we were worried. Because we're your friends, because we wanted you safe. That's when things went sideways. Crane and I both would have been dead if you hadn't thrown yourself into the deal. Jenny, too." She knows that Jenny's safety is important to him, to both of them. "You made a hard choice. Can't say I know many others who would have done the same."
That was assuming it was as self-sacrificial as she wanted to think it was, but she'd seen it in his eyes, heard that tone in his voice. He hadn't wanted to go, hadn't wanted to hold Crane at gunpoint. It was a desperate play-- one that had paid off.
She wants to believe he made it for the right reasons.
He hated when she got all logical at him. This would have been so much easier if she would have just started yelling back. He could have walked away with a clear conscience. Or so he's telling himself.
Instead he turns, dropping his duffel down against the tire of his pickup with a frustrated growl, a wordless noise of aggravation.
"Why are you here, Mills? What do you think you're gonna get out of this? Why are you even trying to stop me right now? I didn't ask for this."
It shouldn't have been as loaded a question as it was. The answer should have been simple, succinct. I'm here because you're a part of the team. I'm here because we're friends. I'm here because we're worried about you. Any one of those answers would have sufficed, and yet she can't find it within herself to give him any of them. Instead, she sighs, dropping her chin a quarter of an inch as she exhales.
"None of us have asked for anything we've gotten in the last year, Hawley." None of them were where they thought they would be about now, not one. "But it hasn't been 'just business' for a long time."
She has to be careful how she words things. They've had conversations in the past, brief though they may have been, that had been more than enough to tip her off to the fact that he would have liked things to stray from business in an entirely different way. A way that had potential to make things complicated, messy, maybe even hurt someone she cared a whole lot about. This wasn't about that.
"I said it before. We're friends. And I don't feel good about letting you leave like this, without someone at your back. Maybe you're not used to having people care about whether or not you come or go, care about what happens to you, but we do. We all do."
The words are spoken softly and he's still half turned away from her, staring off down the docks now instead of risking meeting her gaze. His hands are propped on his hips but his pose is a mockery of his normal easy confidence. Instead there's something tired in the slump of his shoulders.
"I'm surprised Jenny didn't warn you about that, too. Don't care too much, Abbie. I'm not a safe risk to waste it on. I'm used to not having anyone at my back, because that's usually a dangerous place to stand." Because it never failed, when the unexpected came for him, that's where it always seemed to aim first.
"Besides," he adds, glancing over at her and trying for a flippant grin. "You're talking like I'm done for. I've got more tricks up my sleeve than that. And I happen to enjoy breathing. I'll be back before you know it."
"If you really believed a word of that, you wouldn't have stuck around as long as you have."
Because he's not wrong, Jenny had mentioned all kinds of things, told her bits and pieces of their history over drinks. The cut-and-run routine had been a part of that, but it had been mentioned in conjuncture with the fact that he never stayed anywhere this long, never stuck around or kept in touch the way he had the last few months. Never was someone to consider reliable, and yet he'd managed to be that for them in his own way. Not the same as Crane, or what Crane had been before things had gotten so damn muddy, but dependable in a way that was uniquely his. Count on Hawley to pull through for them at the last minute, even if it wasn't the way they expected.
She grimaces, dropping her hands to her hips, almost mirroring him except for the fact that her own stance is practiced, rigid. There's nothing easy about it, mocking or otherwise, and if he'd been hoping that smile would throw her off-course, he was sorely mistaken. "If you weren't interested in making friends, in having anyone give a damn, then you would have been out of here months ago. You would have stopped taking our calls, stopped helping. Maybe you're not used to having people at your back, but you've got it now, whether or not you think you ought to."
What he thinks clearly doesn't matter a whole lot to her, apparently, and she smiles grimly.
"I don't doubt you've got more tricks than most people. Doesn't mean I like the idea of any friend taking a risk like this. Not this big."
"Big? Mills, you're the one trying to stop the Apocalypse. I just have one measly little Hindu demon. Thing. I'm insulted right now."
The words are light and flippant, one last grasp at humor, at dismissing the more serious aspects of this conversation. One more attempt at escape, which she should really be smart enough to let him do. She'd be better off. They all would. And yet. Here she still is.
He doesn't understand.
But he knows exactly how far arguing is going to get him. And maybe he's not quite sure how to deal with the novel experience of being actually chased and caught. Without a gun pointed to his head, that's certainly a refreshing change. Maybe he's just spent way too long with the wrong sort of people.
He turns back to her then, a bruised sort of wariness in his gaze as he eyes her, letting his hands fall to his sides, the stubborn fight bleeding out of him as he waits. "What do you want me to do here, Abbie? What do you want from me?"
Not Mills this time. It's not a familiarity he often uses with her, and it's not accidental, not now.
If he'd wanted to take her by surprise, it worked, both eyebrows quirking upwards. First names didn't see a lot of use between them-- hell, Abbie herself hardly ever used anyone but Jenny's, and it's enough of a shift in the usual dynamic to catch and hold her attention. She watches him for a moment, watches the stubbornness ebb away to be replaced with weariness.
He's someone who's used to running. It's what he knows best. She'd pegged him for that type from the start, continually surprised every time she found he hadn't skipped town yet.
She knew a little something about running away herself, even if she hadn't gone about it in quite the same way.
"Stay," she says after a moment, letting out a slow exhale of breath. Simple, straightforward. "Why is that so hard? Stay and let your friends help you." A pause. "Let me help. You've done us your share of favors. Can't leave things uneven."
He gives a low laugh, and it's strained, tired, lacking in the normal warmth of the humor he typically hides behind. "Abbie, that's the hardest thing you could ask me to do. I'm not the sort of person you help."
Even though she has before. But if life's ever taught him anything, it's that nothing comes without a price tag. And she's wrong. If there's things left uneven, the debt isn't weighted on her side of things.
It has him shaking his head as he lets his gaze drift up to meet hers again, uncharacteristically serious. "You don't owe me a thing. And even if you did, any debts owed were cancelled out after our last little adventure."
That sums it up better than almost anything else she could have said, but she's not sure she should say more. She won't beg him to stay, won't twist his arm-- it's not her place to do so, and it's not in her nature. It just feels wrong, letting him walk away after everything. Letting him leave thinking that what he'd done was so awful, that he couldn't stay.
She grimaces, fixing him with an even look.
"I know you'll do what you want. I just can't believe what you're willing to give up here."
There's more she's not saying. He can sense it, even if he can't put his finger on just what exactly. But he knows people, knows her, and he's always been good at reading between the lines. Had to be. No one ever says what they mean.
It intrigues him enough that he pushes away from the front of the truck, moving back towards her, coming until he stood directly before her, staring down at her slim, stubborn figure. He was close enough that he could feel the heat of her, although he was careful not to touch, despite invading her personal space.
She has to look almost directly up to meet his eyes, to show him how serious she is-- that none of this has been lip service, how important she feels it is that he stays. He dwarfs her easily, but it doesn't make her any less sure. Nick Hawley was a lot of things, and maybe some people might have seen him as intimidating in certain lights-- but she never had, and she wasn't about to start now.
"This team is a family," she says firmly, unknowingly echoing what Jenny had told him in so many words back in the archives. "Whether you like it or not, you're a part of it. This isn't a battle you can just walk out on. You may not think so, but we need you-- and I'm pretty damn sure you need us."
It's not enough and that knowledge is still written plain as day on his face.
"You do." That much he can confess, and there's regret thick in his voice because of it. It's true and he knows it. "Don't you get it, Mills? That's why I have to go."
Maybe he doesn't think so, maybe he feels like it's the only thing he can do if he wants to protect people, either from himself or anyone else from his past, but this, this is something she knows a lot about. She was never as openly angry about things as Jenny had been, always found different ways to channel her rage, different ways to act out, learned to keep it quiet as she got older-- but it was still there. It probably always would be, no matter how much time had passed.
"If you care about someone, you don't leave. That's not doing anyone any favors. You don't leave your family, Hawley." Her father had left. Her mother had been taken from them. Nothing good ever came from people leaving. "Don't matter how much better you think it'll be. The only person who will feel better is you-- maybe not even that. What about the people you leave behind?"
"The people I leave behind this time are still alive to feel, Mills," he argues back, his words clipped, angry, and there's a defensiveness in him now, because there are old wounds buried here, layered beneath the surface like a minefield and all of them brought far too close to the surface over the past few days. It's Mills now, not Abbie - a distance he needs as he struggles to get his shields back up, safely in place. At least long enough to get him out of here.
"Which is a novel experience, let me tell you what. I'm tired of sticking around and watching the people I care about die. Or turn into monsters themselves. Staying's never done me a lick of good. The thought of staying until they leave me? That makes me feel a whole hell of a lot better about cutting my losses now before I have to see it go down again."
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After the Vitala encounter
Date: 2015-02-08 10:14 pm (UTC)He was just finishing up at the dock, making sure his boat was safely tucked away in dry dock for now and grabbing the last of his belongings out of it. It was enough to fill a duffel, carelessly slung over one shoulder as he headed back out to his pickup truck in the parking lot, dressed in faded jeans and an old band tshirt, a plaid shirt draped loosely and unbuttoned over top. His boots kicked up puffs of dust in the gravel underfoot as he rifled in his pockets for his keys and his phone, completely missing the slim figure leaning against the door to his truck until it was far too late.
get your ass back here Hawley
Date: 2015-02-09 01:18 am (UTC)She stays put right where she is, arms folded and ankles crossed as she lets her back rest against the drivers' side door. He'd have had to go through her in order to get anywhere, unless he was feeling athletic, but she has a feeling he'll give her at least a minute or two of his time before he takes off. After all that's been said and done, he owes her that much.
"Jenny gave me the heads up, told me you were looking to skip town. Can't say I don't understand your reasoning, but I'm a little hurt." She raises one eyebrow at him, her expression blank, as professional as she can manage. "Weren't gonna say goodbye to the rest of us? Thought we were friends, Hawley. Pretty sure you were there when I bought that that first round of beers at karaoke."
wow no his ass needs to be elsewhere right now thanks
Date: 2015-02-09 01:38 am (UTC)"Surprisingly enough, it gets better gas mileage," he replies mildly, because of course that was the important part of what she'd said to him.
He lifts a hand, rakes fingers through his hair as he grimaces a moment, looking uncomfortable and very much caught red-handed. "I figured if Jenny handled the farewells, we'd miss any of these awkward goodbyes. In case she forgot to mention that part, I kinda suck at those." Truth, that. They tended to happen with a great deal of finality or not at all.
"Plus, I wasn't sure if I could expect a chainmail gauntlet to the face or some shit when Crane calls me out for a duel at dawn. I happen to like breathing."
alright buster I'm taking you down to the precinct
Date: 2015-02-09 02:00 am (UTC)She pushes away from the car and takes two measured steps forward, one hand coming to rest against her hip. No threat of violence, no flash of handcuffs. This is personal, not business-- or as personal as she ever allows things to get.
"She told me you'd already be gone, but I thought I'd try my luck." See if she could catch him doubling back to the docks before he left. She was glad he did, glad they had the chance to talk. "If Crane didn't want you breathing, we wouldn't have worked so damn hard to save you. Could have saved ourselves a whole lot of trouble and turned the other way. That's not how I remember things going down. What about you?"
They might have been frustrated, pissed, but considering the circumstances, Abbie wasn't sure that could last. The situation had been more complicated than anyone who hadn't taken the time to know Hawley might have given it credit for, but she's pretty damn sure she knows the truth of it.
is there gonna be handcuffs involved?
Date: 2015-02-09 02:12 am (UTC)"Last night's still awfully fuzzy. Think they'd believe me if I decided I wanted to press charges on a Hindu demon who tried to date-rape me?"
well not now because you don't get rewarded for leaving without saying goodbye
Date: 2015-02-09 03:18 am (UTC)"I agree that she can't be left out there on the loose, and dealing with it's going to be a personal matter, but it shouldn't be like this." It shouldn't have involved him leaving without so much as saying goodbye, even if that's exactly what he had a reputation for. "You're part of a team here, Hawley, whether you like it or not. You can't run off on your own. You know we could help you."
He's helped them plenty.
he knew he liked you. handcuffs being a reward. that's some kinky shit there leftenant
Date: 2015-02-09 03:32 am (UTC)Actually he was pretty sure he was lying through his teeth right then. he felt more than a little out of his league when it came to dealing with actual monsters. And the fact that this one now wore Carmilla's face - because that was how he had to think about this now - didn't make any of this any easier. He doesn't know if she can be cured and doubts she wants to be, but the only other alternative is killing her. Another thing he's not entirely certain he's capable of.
wow it's lieutenant mills to you, delinquent
Date: 2015-02-09 03:44 am (UTC)Which was to say not at all. The con had let himself be conned, something Abbie had been worried about from the start-- the second Jenny recognized Pines' name, the second she rattled off her reputation, they'd both known that they were looking at serious trouble. Trouble that has almost cost the both of them a good friend.
"Let's face it, Hawley." She takes another step forward, the distance between them narrowing as she folds her arms across her chest, and even despite the severe difference in their heights she manages to come off as authoritative, self-possessed. She'd never allowed her small stature to keep her from being a presence when she needed to be. "If we hadn't intervened when we had last night, you'd have been vetala food."
Or, more accurately, a vetala by now.
"You run off half-cocked now, that's exactly what's going to happen. It's too personal." Which meant Carmilla could blindside him all over again if she wanted to, even if he thought he knew better now.
you're not helping your case here abbie
Date: 2015-02-09 03:58 am (UTC)"Maybe," he agrees, and if the word's reluctant, it's because he can't find it in him to try and deny her claim outright. "But that doesn't mean I'm not the one who has to deal with it. Last night was my fault, Mills. I made a mess. I've got to clean it up. And it's a mess I should have cleaned up a long time ago, I guess. It should have never been left to come to this."
He's still not sure what he could have done differently. Hidden better, maybe. Maybe not been so damned gullible when it came to the woman who'd raised him. Even after all he'd seen from her... He'd sill wanted to believe her when sh'd said she'd needed his help. That he could help.
He wasn't going to be that naive again.
He looks away, his gaze skimming across the horizon as a frown tugs at his lips. He's not avoiding meeting her gaze, he's not, he's just checking the time. "And I think we all saw from the way I handled things last night that y'all are probably better off without my assistance, right? Jenny knows my contacts, where you can get supplies. She knows how to negotiate almost as well as I do. And she has my number if you really get yourselves in a bind."
just shut up and come back to hq
Date: 2015-02-09 07:30 am (UTC)"I don't doubt Jenny can do the job just fine." Abbie Mills was of the opinion that her sister could do anything she set her mind to, something she'd proven over and over again since their reconciling, but this wasn't about who could do the job. "If you're running even a little bit because you think last night was some unforgivable screw-up, then I have to tell you you're wrong."
Yeah, things had gone badly. They also could have gone a lot worse.
"I don't envy the position you were put in last night. Fact is, your friend could have killed us. Nearly did. You stopped her." Even if it had meant pointing a gun at Crane. "Maybe to the casual observer, it didn't look like you were helping us-- but I'd like to believe you were."
he's really bad at taking orders, mills. you might need those handcuffs after all
Date: 2015-02-09 08:55 pm (UTC)His objection to his words is sharp and abrupt, his own stubborn temper sparking as he scowls at her and for a moment there's a hint of wildness in his eyes, frustration evident. They'd been in dangerous spots before - hell, between all the weird shit that went down in this town lately it was almost a given. But this time was different. This time it wasn't some demon here to try to end the world. This was his history raising its ugly head in a call that had been way too close for his comfort. There was a reason he kept people at a distance and last night had been an abrupt wake-up call of how badly things could go when he forgot that.
"You, and Crane, and Jenny." He stressed that reminder just in case she'd forgotten. Which he didn't think she had - she'd been there, after all. Caught by a Vetala and acid claws held at her throat, a breath away from death if he hadn't... if he hadn't...
He almost hadn't.
Offering up his own life in service in exchange scared the shit out of him, to be honest. Especially when he'd seen so damned fast that he'd been right to be wary of Carmilla, when she'd almost turned him into a monster like her. He'd stood there and stared at the pair of them and had to deal with the understanding that he was going to have to weigh himself into the balance if he wanted to save her. He, Nick Hawley, the guy only out for himself. The one who didn't let himself make connections because he could't afford vulnerabilities. And yet there he'd been, handing himself over to the woman he'd spent half his life hiding from.
For Crane. For Jenny. For Abbie.
In the aftermath of that of realization, he was left almost as scared shitless about what that meant as he was by the thought of being back in Carmilla's grasp again.
Which is why he's on the defensive. And running. Because that's what he does when people get too close. It's safer for everyone that way. And he's got every single one of his walls back up in place as he scowls at her, finding it hard to believe she's here arguing for this at all. He's not the sort of person who inspires people to believe the best in him.
SIGHS HEAVILY
Date: 2015-02-09 09:30 pm (UTC)She manages to stay calm, her tone careful, even. As frustrated as he is, she can't let herself rise to take the bait, can't turn this into a fight. The moment people start yelling, they stop listening, and she can't afford that. None of them can, Hawley included. They're short on allies these days, short on friends, and she's not sure she's willing to let another one walk away.
Too many casualties already, and if Hawley ran off without them, he was a dead man, plain and simple. She couldn't see it any other way.
"I didn't forget. It's the kind of thing that sticks with you. You know what else you did?" she goes on, raising an eyebrow as she does her best to levy the situation with what she wants to believe is the truth, hopes isn't just blind optimism. "Everything you could to make sure everyone walked out of that room alive. You didn't tell us to follow you to Knox's place, Hawley. We did it on our own because we were worried. Because we're your friends, because we wanted you safe. That's when things went sideways. Crane and I both would have been dead if you hadn't thrown yourself into the deal. Jenny, too." She knows that Jenny's safety is important to him, to both of them. "You made a hard choice. Can't say I know many others who would have done the same."
That was assuming it was as self-sacrificial as she wanted to think it was, but she'd seen it in his eyes, heard that tone in his voice. He hadn't wanted to go, hadn't wanted to hold Crane at gunpoint. It was a desperate play-- one that had paid off.
She wants to believe he made it for the right reasons.
0:-]
Date: 2015-02-10 01:08 am (UTC)Instead he turns, dropping his duffel down against the tire of his pickup with a frustrated growl, a wordless noise of aggravation.
"Why are you here, Mills? What do you think you're gonna get out of this? Why are you even trying to stop me right now? I didn't ask for this."
-_-
Date: 2015-02-10 02:01 am (UTC)"None of us have asked for anything we've gotten in the last year, Hawley." None of them were where they thought they would be about now, not one. "But it hasn't been 'just business' for a long time."
She has to be careful how she words things. They've had conversations in the past, brief though they may have been, that had been more than enough to tip her off to the fact that he would have liked things to stray from business in an entirely different way. A way that had potential to make things complicated, messy, maybe even hurt someone she cared a whole lot about. This wasn't about that.
"I said it before. We're friends. And I don't feel good about letting you leave like this, without someone at your back. Maybe you're not used to having people care about whether or not you come or go, care about what happens to you, but we do. We all do."
>.>
Date: 2015-02-13 05:08 pm (UTC)The words are spoken softly and he's still half turned away from her, staring off down the docks now instead of risking meeting her gaze. His hands are propped on his hips but his pose is a mockery of his normal easy confidence. Instead there's something tired in the slump of his shoulders.
"I'm surprised Jenny didn't warn you about that, too. Don't care too much, Abbie. I'm not a safe risk to waste it on. I'm used to not having anyone at my back, because that's usually a dangerous place to stand." Because it never failed, when the unexpected came for him, that's where it always seemed to aim first.
"Besides," he adds, glancing over at her and trying for a flippant grin. "You're talking like I'm done for. I've got more tricks up my sleeve than that. And I happen to enjoy breathing. I'll be back before you know it."
:|
Date: 2015-02-17 06:25 am (UTC)Because he's not wrong, Jenny had mentioned all kinds of things, told her bits and pieces of their history over drinks. The cut-and-run routine had been a part of that, but it had been mentioned in conjuncture with the fact that he never stayed anywhere this long, never stuck around or kept in touch the way he had the last few months. Never was someone to consider reliable, and yet he'd managed to be that for them in his own way. Not the same as Crane, or what Crane had been before things had gotten so damn muddy, but dependable in a way that was uniquely his. Count on Hawley to pull through for them at the last minute, even if it wasn't the way they expected.
She grimaces, dropping her hands to her hips, almost mirroring him except for the fact that her own stance is practiced, rigid. There's nothing easy about it, mocking or otherwise, and if he'd been hoping that smile would throw her off-course, he was sorely mistaken. "If you weren't interested in making friends, in having anyone give a damn, then you would have been out of here months ago. You would have stopped taking our calls, stopped helping. Maybe you're not used to having people at your back, but you've got it now, whether or not you think you ought to."
What he thinks clearly doesn't matter a whole lot to her, apparently, and she smiles grimly.
"I don't doubt you've got more tricks than most people. Doesn't mean I like the idea of any friend taking a risk like this. Not this big."
Is that a no on the handcuffs then?
Date: 2015-04-20 04:19 am (UTC)The words are light and flippant, one last grasp at humor, at dismissing the more serious aspects of this conversation. One more attempt at escape, which she should really be smart enough to let him do. She'd be better off. They all would. And yet. Here she still is.
He doesn't understand.
But he knows exactly how far arguing is going to get him. And maybe he's not quite sure how to deal with the novel experience of being actually chased and caught. Without a gun pointed to his head, that's certainly a refreshing change. Maybe he's just spent way too long with the wrong sort of people.
He turns back to her then, a bruised sort of wariness in his gaze as he eyes her, letting his hands fall to his sides, the stubborn fight bleeding out of him as he waits. "What do you want me to do here, Abbie? What do you want from me?"
Not Mills this time. It's not a familiarity he often uses with her, and it's not accidental, not now.
yes but the gun could probably be arranged
Date: 2015-04-20 04:39 am (UTC)He's someone who's used to running. It's what he knows best. She'd pegged him for that type from the start, continually surprised every time she found he hadn't skipped town yet.
She knew a little something about running away herself, even if she hadn't gone about it in quite the same way.
"Stay," she says after a moment, letting out a slow exhale of breath. Simple, straightforward. "Why is that so hard? Stay and let your friends help you." A pause. "Let me help. You've done us your share of favors. Can't leave things uneven."
Kinky.
Date: 2015-04-20 04:57 am (UTC)Even though she has before. But if life's ever taught him anything, it's that nothing comes without a price tag. And she's wrong. If there's things left uneven, the debt isn't weighted on her side of things.
It has him shaking his head as he lets his gaze drift up to meet hers again, uncharacteristically serious. "You don't owe me a thing. And even if you did, any debts owed were cancelled out after our last little adventure."
(no subject)
Date: 2015-04-23 04:36 am (UTC)That sums it up better than almost anything else she could have said, but she's not sure she should say more. She won't beg him to stay, won't twist his arm-- it's not her place to do so, and it's not in her nature. It just feels wrong, letting him walk away after everything. Letting him leave thinking that what he'd done was so awful, that he couldn't stay.
She grimaces, fixing him with an even look.
"I know you'll do what you want. I just can't believe what you're willing to give up here."
(no subject)
Date: 2015-04-25 01:47 pm (UTC)It intrigues him enough that he pushes away from the front of the truck, moving back towards her, coming until he stood directly before her, staring down at her slim, stubborn figure. He was close enough that he could feel the heat of her, although he was careful not to touch, despite invading her personal space.
"And what is it I'd be giving up, Abbie?"
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-18 08:28 pm (UTC)"This team is a family," she says firmly, unknowingly echoing what Jenny had told him in so many words back in the archives. "Whether you like it or not, you're a part of it. This isn't a battle you can just walk out on. You may not think so, but we need you-- and I'm pretty damn sure you need us."
A pause.
"I thought we meant more to you than this."
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-19 03:24 am (UTC)"You do." That much he can confess, and there's regret thick in his voice because of it. It's true and he knows it. "Don't you get it, Mills? That's why I have to go."
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-19 03:45 am (UTC)Maybe he doesn't think so, maybe he feels like it's the only thing he can do if he wants to protect people, either from himself or anyone else from his past, but this, this is something she knows a lot about. She was never as openly angry about things as Jenny had been, always found different ways to channel her rage, different ways to act out, learned to keep it quiet as she got older-- but it was still there. It probably always would be, no matter how much time had passed.
"If you care about someone, you don't leave. That's not doing anyone any favors. You don't leave your family, Hawley." Her father had left. Her mother had been taken from them. Nothing good ever came from people leaving. "Don't matter how much better you think it'll be. The only person who will feel better is you-- maybe not even that. What about the people you leave behind?"
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-19 11:47 pm (UTC)"Which is a novel experience, let me tell you what. I'm tired of sticking around and watching the people I care about die. Or turn into monsters themselves. Staying's never done me a lick of good. The thought of staying until they leave me? That makes me feel a whole hell of a lot better about cutting my losses now before I have to see it go down again."
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